Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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