If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
