dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
