Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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