You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
