I cut my penus on the lid.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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