I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
