I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
