remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My penis needs a shock collar
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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