Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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