Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
