Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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