last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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