i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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