my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
it's great music for shaving your balls
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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