Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
