did you get engaged???
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
