i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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