my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
