I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
