Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize