There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
