I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
