I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
