I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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