I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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