I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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