I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
