I am puke
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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