Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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