I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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