I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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