im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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