I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
