I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
