I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
