fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
