Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
