When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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