The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The adults are the big ones right?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
