She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
