atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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