I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize