If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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