ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
