wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
