Your face is a jimmy john
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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