hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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