my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
