don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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