it's like heaven, but drunker
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
