Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The power of my boobs compel you
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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