Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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