There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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