I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize