I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
