Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
