cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
