I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
