I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
