Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
