When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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