you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize