Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
