I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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