K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
