You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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