well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
