My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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