Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize